The title says it all. The last six months, that is exactly what I have been doing, "Walking through the fire." God has been repeating this over and over in my head, and when I look at my fellow Christian women, I can't help but wonder if they ever feel the same way.
In late November, early December of 2018 I had been praying hard for months. I was no longer content to be a Stay-at-Home Mom. It wasn't that I was bored or restless, or that I was tired of my kids. Yes, I was a little frazzled at times, but it was more that I felt like I wasn't contributing to my home in a productive way. I felt like financially I wasn't doing my part, but that was only a portion of it. I felt like my husband and my children didn't need my presence in the home anymore. The enemy lay into me full force, and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like my armor had bullet holes the size of Georgia. I applied for a couple of jobs, and told myself that if I was granted one, then it must be God's will. A couple of short weeks later I started my new job.
I loved being productive again. I loved being useful, and using my brain for something other than motherhood. I looked forward to going to work. Being out of the loop of working outside the home for so long, I didn't realize all the pitfalls that would come with it. I also didn't realize that this whole journey was so that I could be groomed in my faith until now. I struggled because the enemy blinded me to the gifts that God had given me. I forgot how to write, how to be a disciple, how to be a wife and mother. I got lost in not feeling good enough, strong enough, and basically thought I had no place where I belonged in this world anymore. I got to the point where I felt my family would be better off without me. I also thought my husband would be better off with out me. In short, I was a mess.
I had a broken heart and a broken spirit. The enemy had his hooks in me, and for a time I am pretty sure my husband and I both thought that I was lost. I was angry. I was loud. I was hurtful to those that meant the most to me. I was not just walking in the fire, but living in the fire. I was languishing. I was tormented. Now don't get me wrong, what I was going through wasn't a result of my going back to work, but I opened myself up to more opportunities for the enemy to get to me.
Isaiah 43:2 says, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you, when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."
I had to take a step back and see that while I loved my job, I loved the people I worked with, my place was with my family. My children, especially the twins, needed me. I needed to be here for my husband, to be his "help-mate." I made his life easier when I was here to take care of our home, take care of the errands, the doctor visits, the day-to-day of maintaining the kids. I used to know that I had a servant's heart, but somewhere along the way I had forgotten that. I had forgotten that serving my family was what God had built me to do, what God had intended me to do. I failed to recognize that serving my family brought me closer to God and his ways.
1 Corinthians 15:58 reads, "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." My labors for my family were not in vain. They were my gifts from God. It was my duty to love them, care for them, and teach them the ways of the Lord, and I laid that duty down for a time. I was weary. I didn't see myself as God saw me.
.
Today, I come before you, my peers, and declare that I have sinned. I have sinned against my husband, I have sinned against my children, and against my God. I have listened to the lies of the enemy, I wallowed in all of the negative things he brought into my world to derail me in my faith. By the grace of God, I can say that the enemy has not won me. I have prayed, and God has not let the flames consume me.
Now, I can look back and see that God blessed me. He gave me the clarity of vision to see what his calling for me really is. He gave me the strength to continue on. He gave me the courage to walk away from a job I loved, to care for my family that I love more. God helped me walk his path, instead of letting vanity lead me down the wrong one. God saved me from myself. He saved me from ruining my marriage and my family because I was listening to the enemy and not living as he called me to. I can also see that I am not perfect, and God loves me anyway. I may stumble, but he will never leave my side. He is there, waiting with open arms to comfort, to encourage, and to equip each of us for the journey he has us on.
So, my sisters, if you find yourself walking through the fire, whatever that may look like for you, take heart. There is hope, and all is not lost. God still has a place and a purpose for you. It could just be that he is trying to open your eyes to what you already have. It could also be that he is preparing you for they journey to come. Remember Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
